This is your "Wakeup Call"

Let's talk about this video. It's Hayden Panettiere's "Wakeup Call," which quite suprisingly, many people are unaware of. I know this because I've brought it up to almost every one of my friends and they all express ignorance, which is fine because there's nothing I love more than introducing this gem to anyone who will let me because the horror that follows is always priceless.

From what I can gather, it came out last summer, and it's the worst thing ever, which means I can't keep my eyes off of it. And it's the perfect symbol, I think, of the guilded age we just exited in this country--it's an example of what happens when a person gets too much power and too much glitter but not enough talent. She's an alright actress; why not just stick with that?

The song is hilariously awful. It's her "wakeup call" to some wayward boyfriend who doesn't bring her flowers, or drinks. Plus, he doesn't "drive [her] anywhere but totally insane." So, she decides to teach him a lesson. No, silly, she's not going to break up with him--she's going to call some "man" up and "do wrong" to get his attention. DUH!

It's a great plan, right? I mean, hell, sometimes you gotta cheat to keep you man's eyes on you. What? You don't do that?

If the words don't creep you out, I'm sure the video will take it to the next level for you. First off, Hayden Panettiere looks like a little kid, and no amount of "I'm 18" can alter that fact. If you're over the age of, say, 20, and you're turned on in any way by this video, you are a perv. I'm sorry, but it's true. Someone's got to say it.

And her boyfriend in the video is definitely over 20, so that's the first element of yuck. The premise is that she's in the club and her boyfriend thinks she's someone else because she's wearing this femme fatale get-up a la Natalie Portman in "The Professional." Yeah, I told you this was some sick shit.

The premise fuels this bizarre montage of her changing her clothes a whole bunch. She buttons some tight jeans, rubs some toothpaste on her teeth, and eventually puts on a black wig, which she pulls off a the end, in the big reveal when her boyfriend realizes its her. He's surprised, of course, but he definitely regrets the way he's been acting.

The part not to be missed is the rap scene. Hayden in a hoodie, telling this deadbeat what's what. That ends with the crescendo of Hayden's upper register.

Delicious.

Liz Lemon for Vice President ?

Dear McCain,

Don't try to pander to me! You can't just pop in some Tina Fey lookalike and think that's going to sway me.

What is this world coming to? Are we dead yet?

New Times Two: New Kids and New Edition Together at Last

Well,it's about 15 years too late, but finally the dream come true: New Kids on the Block and New Edition together as one. Um, yeah, I'm not joking, I just read it on Just Jared. Apparently, this whole idea is the brainchild of Donnie Wahlberg (who else?), who's been holding on to this little nugget of a plan ever since the NKOTB decided to get back in the boy band business. And he finally found the perfect track. Yay!?!?!



I used to love both these groups with all my heart, but really this is so unnecessary, right? Plus it brings up some questions:

1. Who is even in New Edition anymore?

They're not letting Bobby Brown come back are they? And if so, does that mean Johnny Gill is out?

2. Isn't that a lot of people singing on one track?

Okay, even if Johnny or Bobby is out, that's still 10 people! Okay, so maybe 9 if they don't let Jon sing. But still, how in the world are they going to divee that up?

3. Are they going to perform this live at the American Music Awards?

My fingers are already primed to press play and record...Wait, do I even have a VCR anymore?

4. Where are they going to find 10 pairs of men's overalls in this day and age?


On a side note, I considered going to the reunion concert for ironic reasons, but I've decided against it. I don't think it would be as funny as one might expect, and it might actually be depressing. Plus, I feel like they should just let me in free considering all the money I spent back in 1989 buying up those giant pins.

I'm Back and I Hate John McCain

A lot of stuff has happened since I last wrote a post. There are so many new exciting things to make fun of. My favorite, of course being this guy:



Nobody is actually going to vote for this dude are they? I just read an Associated Press poll that has Obama at 48% and McCain at 40%, so I'm hoping that for once in my life America sees it my way.

I mean come on, guys, whose team would you rather be on:

Her's?


or her's?


Duh.

Rags to Riches- Just Because

The cast of the short lived tv musical series, Rags to Riches:


Hey, where's Rose?????

Let's look at some pictures of Brett Michaels

Honestly, could this fucking chauvinist be any less attractive? I bet he think he looks amazing in every single one of these photos. What he doesn't realize is that nobody likes a guy in a headband, especially when he hasn't taken it off since 1987. Maybe it's keeping his wig in place. Hey dude, guess what, Steven Tyler beat you to the punch, mr. pouty lips. Ugh! I hate him, and I hate that he thinks VH1 gave him that show because they think he's cool. Well, sorry, but I'm not going to be the one to explain the concept of irony to him. I mean, you can't explain stuff like that to a guy who can't bear to wear more than a Hanes undershirt

My friend Evette said the funniest thing to me the other day about this Heavy Metal god. She was talking about how she thinks it's a laugh riot when on Rock of Love, they say things like, "The girl who gets to be Brett's lady, has to be able to stand the glare of the spotlight." And Evette goes, "WHAT spotlight?!?!?!" Hilarious. I love it.

She also told me that Bret once said, "When I start to party, I can't stop" like it was cool or something, like he's freaking 22 or something. Such a statement reminds me of some poetic words of Bret's own, actually:

"Don't need nothin' but a good time,
How can I resist?
Ain't looking for nothin' but a good time,
And it don't get better than this"

Yeah Brett, that's cute (well, not in your case) when your young, but when your in your mid 50s, it's called alcoholism and sex addiction. Maybe you should use some of you VH1 and sex video money for some counseling. God, read a book

My Response to I Fucking Can't Stand It's Last post

Okay first things first, Lauryn Hill. What is up with her? Doesn't she look like Oprah dressed for a Ziggy Stardust concert. Fuck, she's like the lost member of Parliament Funkadelic. Or some like singer on Solid Gold. Especially in this pic--can't you picture girls in gold body suits dancing on stage with her while she sings some song about how she doesn't need a man--hot damn, bring it! I love it. She is seriously the SPITTING image of Oprah--she could play her in the movie:


I heard she--Lauryn not Oprah--has been having trouble getting it together at her shows. Poor Lauryn, I really really like her. I wonder if she'll come out of this and then come out with some triumphant album. And there'd be a video with her wearing all white or something, with dove flying around her. She'll be on the cover of rolling stone with broken handcuffs to show her flight onward into serenity. Or some crap like that. Then they'll make a movie. Oh god, I hope so.

Benny Mardones: If I Could Fly

Okay, if you know anything about me you know that I love/hate the Benny Mardone's hit "Into the Night" (but everyone thinks it's called "If I Could Fly." It's so deliciously horrendous that, of course, it's like one of my favorite songs. Don't remember it? Let me jog your memory:

She's just 16 years old,
Leave her alone, they said...
Separated by fools who don't know
what love is yet....

If I could fly
I'd lift you up
and take you into the night
and show you love...like you've never seen.

Okay, let's remember that this fucker is singing about a 16 year old! And he thinks his friend's just aren't acquainted with REAL LOVE! Ha, what a loser. I used to know this girl in 8th grade who had this, like, 24 year old boyfriend named Hector. Ew, why didn't I have more of an issue with that at time? Anyway, I always picture that guy dedicating "Into the Night" to her.

BUT ANYWAY, I looked up the video on you tube, and I found this intro to a documentary about Benny Mardones' life: "Into the Night:The Benny Mardones Story". I'm gonna bet he financed this himself.

You should DEFINITELY watch it--it is SO worth it. SO WORTH IT: I guess he had that hit, then got addicted to drugs, then went away, then reemerged in Syracuse, New York and became a MAJOR STAR there. No, seriously. It's crazy.



Sadly, there is no video for this song. Sadly. Not even a live performance video.

Electric Youth Video Extended Version

Even though I admit I loved Debbie Gibson between the ages of 11 and 13, I still knew deep down inside that she was a cheeseball. I just couldn't help myself, I was taken in by her wholesome charm and her chirpy voice. Anyway, this video is a must watch since it has an intro by Debbie. It has Mary Lou Retton in it. The video itself is so bad--I love how the song implores adults to take kids seriously. I think I used to really feel this song.

I love when she has the extensions. Sick.

Let's reflect on the terrible lyrics.

Verse 1:
Zappin it to ya
The pressures everywhere
Goin right through ya
The fevers in the air
Oh yeah, its there!
Dont underestimate the power
Of a lifetime ahead



Chorus:
Electric youth
Feel the power, you see the energy
Comin up
Coming on strong
The future only belongs
To the future itself/in the hands of itself
And the future is
Electric youth
Its true you cant fight it
Live by it
The next generation...

Its electric

Verse 2:
Weve got the most time
To make the world go round
Oh, can you spare a dime?
Place your bet on our sound
Come back to town
Dont lose sight of potential mastermind
Remember when you were young

Chorus

Its electric

Bridge:
We do what comes naturally (naturally!)
You see now
Wait for the possibility
Dont you see a strong resemblance
To yourself? (oh...)
Dont you think what we say is important?
Whatever it may be...
The fun is gonna start with me
cause Im bringing it back...

Chorus

Its electrifying

Take it fred!

Chorus

Its electric, its electric, its electric

Chorus

Inflation
Flirtation
Relaxation
Elation
Generation of
An electric youth!

Is Skymall Run by the KKK?!?!?!

DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS?????

Skinniest Celebs of the Summer: In Case You Were Wondering

Oh my god, I'm watching The Insider right now, and they're counting down "The Skinniest Celebrities of the Summer. NO LIE. Here's the list:

5.Hilary Duff: Hilary tells us that even though she 's go 6-pack abs, she still feels self-conscious about her arms.


4. Jessica Simpson: She lost 20 pounds in 2 months! Oh, I'm so envious.


3. Janet Jackson


2. Valerie Bertineli: You know they were like, yeah, we HAVE to name someone "real" that women can really relate to. Really.



So beautiful.

1. Katie Holmes

Can you believe a group of people actually sat down and came up with this list? SO GROSS!!!

Charming Garden Decor from Skymall

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. I beg the question once again, who buys this shit?

Meet Basho the Sumo Wrestler:


Check out these little rascals:


Where my frogs at?


This is called If Pigs Could Fly. Wacka, wacka, wacka:


Why not a statue of St. Francis?:


Aww, white children are so adorable:

Another Croc of Shit from George Bush

I saw this a couple of weeks ago on Manolo's Shoe Blog. Look at our dumb "president" and his dumb shoes. I think he's just trying to push buttons with those stupid ass Crocs. Jesus Christ, our president wears CROCS!

Is there any end to our suffering at the hands of this man?

Who Buys Shit from Skymall?

Okay, so who eats hot dogs frequently enough to require a special appliance with which to cook them? That's so gross. I hate both of these, but not equally. I especially disdain the first one. If you have to pretend that you're going to the county fair every time you eat a wiener, you're just bored with hotdogs. Try a burrito or a salad. And what's up with the hot dog toaster? I mean how do you even clean that thing? I say, if you must enjoy hot dogs at home, barbecue them or hold them over the open flame of your stove.

Calling All Fashionistas

Okay, do you love these? Or do you LOVE these? Fringe and gold-plated birds on the same shoe? Are you kidding me? Have I died and gone heaven? It's like a burlesque show in a shoe. I love the fact that whoever designed these decided that those details weren't enough. Nope, a bow was totally necessary. Totally.

Personally, I would wear them with a beige dress with matching brown fringe and a bird broach. I would have it made specially. I would want it to be a one-shoulder dress. It's called couture. Deal with it.

Another Teen Star I Don't Get

Um yeah, not sexy to 11-year-old eyes and still nothing stirring at 29. Even though he is wearing a rad outfit and a crazy cool yellow belt. I was big into Bop and all those teeny bopper mags, and I never once understood the allure of this cheese dick. I liked Growing Pains--hey, I am only flesh and blood--but the curly top does nothing for me.

And, now, to top it off he's a Christian. What does Candice Cameron think of all this?

The Luau Queen in Nude Nylons

This photo is a PRIME example of something I hate so much I love.

Is this Christina Aguilera or a male impersonator? What is her fucking problem? Doesn't she look like that slutty friend you had in junior high who wants to dress slutty, but doesn't have the clothes to do it? The one who throws on her bathing suit with her mom's nude stockings and her grandma's heels. And who pairs a floral wreath with a wrap around sweater? Talk about no sense of season.

America, We Have our New "Black Velvet"

I don't know about you, but I have a special fondness for Alannah Myles, the Canadian songstress who brought us the sultry hit "Black Velvet" in 1989. I can't believe that song was a hit, but I'm glad it was because I enjoy singing it at the top of my lungs when it comes on the local soft hits station.

And sometimes, you get real lucky, and someone sings "Black Velvet" at karaoke, on American Idol, or perhaps a high school talent show. I was lucky enough to experience the latter. It was sung by this girl a grade above me who had dreams of being an actress/singer an appeal similar to that of Jennifer Love Hewitt. I know, gross. Anyway, she sang it with sass and conviction, but I grew up in California, where everyone under 45 thought that song sucked, so it wasn't a well- received performance.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is to say that I think we have our new "Black Velvet," and it's by none other than Carrie Underwood, who had that wonderful and thought-provoking faith-based hit "Jesus Take the Wheel" (because when you're car goes out of control and you got your baby in the back, Jesus will save you--he's great like that). Her new song "Before He Cheats"is a departure from that goodie goodie song since it's all about keying her no good,cheating boyfriend's "pretty little suped up little Chevy four-wheeled drive...."

Isn't that wonderful? Doesn't it have that same raw and gritty South ring that "Up in Memphis the music's like a heatwave, white lightening bound to drive you wild." God, they're both so amazing.

Let's just hope that Carrie Underwood's career is just as fruitful as that of Alannah Miles.

Anyway, here's a treat. Both videos ready for you're viewing pleasure:

Gotta Keep on Movin'

I never loved Menudo,and now I regret it. What was I thinking? Look at them in their striped tanks and headbands. And the bedroom eyes--ay dios mio!

We have this Puerto Rican boy band to thank for the best Silver Spoons episode ever. Remember how Ricky was in love with that girl Consuelo, so he got Menudo to play his party in order to impress her? I love that episode. I remember the dance move that included them moving their arms in a circular chug-chug motion while singing:

Gotta get on movin’
Gotta get on movin’ with the music
Gotta get on movin’
Gotta get on movin’ with the crowd
Gotta get on movin’
Gotta get on movin’ hurry!
Dance your cares away
Come on and get movin’ now!

I had to look these lyrics up, and I remember them so differently. I thought it was "Gotta Keep on Movin'," but I was wrong. I like these lyrics though, and I think I'm going to sing this every time I feel lazy and unmotivated. I suggest you do the same.

Harvey Pekar, I Love You

I wish I could say that I was well aware of Harvey Pekar before Giamatti played him in American Splendor, but I wasn't. If I were, I would be spouting about how everyone else is so uncool compared to me. That's my usual pattern. But since I didn't, I'll just say I love Harvey now. Very Much.

I like to daydream that I live next door to him, and we hang out all the time. Not romantically, of course. Not that I wouldn't if both of us weren't already attached--I like his bad boy neurosis. He's kind of like Steve Buscemi in Ghost World, but way cuter (yeah, I'm not one of those people who find Steve Buscemi hot).

Anyway, I picture us hanging out, talking about nerdy literature topics. He could teach me about Jazz, and I could make constant reference to his comics. I love it.