I FREAKING Love IT

This is your "Wakeup Call"

2009-05-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about this video. It's Hayden Panettiere's "Wakeup Call," which quite suprisingly, many people are unaware of. I know this because I've brought it up to almost every one of my friends and they all express ignorance, which is fine because there's nothing I love more than introducing this gem to anyone who will let me because the horror that follows is always priceless.

From what I can gather, it came out last summer, and it's the worst thing ever, which means I can't keep my eyes off of it. And it's the perfect symbol, I think, of the guilded age we just exited in this country--it's an example of what happens when a person gets too much power and too much glitter but not enough talent. She's an alright actress; why not just stick with that?

The song is hilariously awful. It's her "wakeup call" to some wayward boyfriend who doesn't bring her flowers, or drinks. Plus, he doesn't "drive [her] anywhere but totally insane." So, she decides to teach him a lesson. No, silly, she's not going to break up with him--she's going to call some "man" up and "do wrong" to get his attention. DUH!

It's a great plan, right? I mean, hell, sometimes you gotta cheat to keep you man's eyes on you. What? You don't do that?

If the words don't creep you out, I'm sure the video will take it to the next level for you. First off, Hayden Panettiere looks like a little kid, and no amount of "I'm 18" can alter that fact. If you're over the age of, say, 20, and you're turned on in any way by this video, you are a perv. I'm sorry, but it's true. Someone's got to say it.

And her boyfriend in the video is definitely over 20, so that's the first element of yuck. The premise is that she's in the club and her boyfriend thinks she's someone else because she's wearing this femme fatale get-up a la Natalie Portman in "The Professional." Yeah, I told you this was some sick shit.

The premise fuels this bizarre montage of her changing her clothes a whole bunch. She buttons some tight jeans, rubs some toothpaste on her teeth, and eventually puts on a black wig, which she pulls off a the end, in the big reveal when her boyfriend realizes its her. He's surprised, of course, but he definitely regrets the way he's been acting.

The part not to be missed is the rap scene. Hayden in a hoodie, telling this deadbeat what's what. That ends with the crescendo of Hayden's upper register.

Delicious.

Liz Lemon for Vice President ?

2008-08-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

Dear McCain,

Don't try to pander to me! You can't just pop in some Tina Fey lookalike and think that's going to sway me.

What is this world coming to? Are we dead yet?

New Times Two: New Kids and New Edition Together at Last

2008-07-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

Well,it's about 15 years too late, but finally the dream come true: New Kids on the Block and New Edition together as one. Um, yeah, I'm not joking, I just read it on Just Jared. Apparently, this whole idea is the brainchild of Donnie Wahlberg (who else?), who's been holding on to this little nugget of a plan ever since the NKOTB decided to get back in the boy band business. And he finally found the perfect track. Yay!?!?!

I used to love both these groups with all my heart, but really this is so unnecessary, right? Plus it brings up some questions:

1. Who is even in New Edition anymore?

They're not letting Bobby Brown come back are they? And if so, does that mean Johnny Gill is out?

2. Isn't that a lot of people singing on one track?

Okay, even if Johnny or Bobby is out, that's still 10 people! Okay, so maybe 9 if they don't let Jon sing. But still, how in the world are they going to divee that up?

3. Are they going to perform this live at the American Music Awards?

My fingers are already primed to press play and record...Wait, do I even have a VCR anymore?

4. Where are they going to find 10 pairs of men's overalls in this day and age?

On a side note, I considered going to the reunion concert for ironic reasons, but I've decided against it. I don't think it would be as funny as one might expect, and it might actually be depressing. Plus, I feel like they should just let me in free considering all the money I spent back in 1989 buying up those giant pins.

I'm Back and I Hate John McCain

2008-07-10T14:28:00.000-07:00

A lot of stuff has happened since I last wrote a post. There are so many new exciting things to make fun of. My favorite, of course being this guy:

Nobody is actually going to vote for this dude are they? I just read an Associated Press poll that has Obama at 48% and McCain at 40%, so I'm hoping that for once in my life America sees it my way.

I mean come on, guys, whose team would you rather be on:

Her's?

or her's?

Duh.

Rags to Riches- Just Because

2007-10-03T22:43:00.000-07:00

The cast of the short lived tv musical series, Rags to Riches:

Hey, where's Rose?????

Let's look at some pictures of Brett Michaels

2007-09-06T19:21:00.000-07:00

Honestly, could this fucking chauvinist be any less attractive? I bet he think he looks amazing in every single one of these photos. What he doesn't realize is that nobody likes a guy in a headband, especially when he hasn't taken it off since 1987. Maybe it's keeping his wig in place. Hey dude, guess what, Steven Tyler beat you to the punch, mr. pouty lips. Ugh! I hate him, and I hate that he thinks VH1 gave him that show because they think he's cool. Well, sorry, but I'm not going to be the one to explain the concept of irony to him. I mean, you can't explain stuff like that to a guy who can't bear to wear more than a Hanes undershirt

My friend Evette said the funniest thing to me the other day about this Heavy Metal god. She was talking about how she thinks it's a laugh riot when on Rock of Love, they say things like, "The girl who gets to be Brett's lady, has to be able to stand the glare of the spotlight." And Evette goes, "WHAT spotlight?!?!?!" Hilarious. I love it.

She also told me that Bret once said, "When I start to party, I can't stop" like it was cool or something, like he's freaking 22 or something. Such a statement reminds me of some poetic words of Bret's own, actually:

"Don't need nothin' but a good time,
How can I resist?
Ain't looking for nothin' but a good time,
And it don't get better than this"

Yeah Brett, that's cute (well, not in your case) when your young, but when your in your mid 50s, it's called alcoholism and sex addiction. Maybe you should use some of you VH1 and sex video money for some counseling. God, read a book

My Response to I Fucking Can't Stand It's Last post

2007-07-31T18:49:00.000-07:00

Okay first things first, Lauryn Hill. What is up with her? Doesn't she look like Oprah dressed for a Ziggy Stardust concert. Fuck, she's like the lost member of Parliament Funkadelic. Or some like singer on Solid Gold. Especially in this pic--can't you picture girls in gold body suits dancing on stage with her while she sings some song about how she doesn't need a man--hot damn, bring it! I love it. She is seriously the SPITTING image of Oprah--she could play her in the movie:

I heard she--Lauryn not Oprah--has been having trouble getting it together at her shows. Poor Lauryn, I really really like her. I wonder if she'll come out of this and then come out with some triumphant album. And there'd be a video with her wearing all white or something, with dove flying around her. She'll be on the cover of rolling stone with broken handcuffs to show her flight onward into serenity. Or some crap like that. Then they'll make a movie. Oh god, I hope so.

Benny Mardones: If I Could Fly

2007-07-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, if you know anything about me you know that I love/hate the Benny Mardone's hit "Into the Night" (but everyone thinks it's called "If I Could Fly." It's so deliciously horrendous that, of course, it's like one of my favorite songs. Don't remember it? Let me jog your memory:

She's just 16 years old,
Leave her alone, they said...
Separated by fools who don't know
what love is yet....

If I could fly
I'd lift you up
and take you into the night
and show you love...like you've never seen.

Okay, let's remember that this fucker is singing about a 16 year old! And he thinks his friend's just aren't acquainted with REAL LOVE! Ha, what a loser. I used to know this girl in 8th grade who had this, like, 24 year old boyfriend named Hector. Ew, why didn't I have more of an issue with that at time? Anyway, I always picture that guy dedicating "Into the Night" to her.

BUT ANYWAY, I looked up the video on you tube, and I found this intro to a documentary about Benny Mardones' life: "Into the Night:The Benny Mardones Story". I'm gonna bet he financed this himself.

You should DEFINITELY watch it--it is SO worth it. SO WORTH IT: I guess he had that hit, then got addicted to drugs, then went away, then reemerged in Syracuse, New York and became a MAJOR STAR there. No, seriously. It's crazy.

Sadly, there is no video for this song. Sadly. Not even a live performance video.

Electric Youth Video Extended Version

2007-07-02T20:45:00.001-07:00

Even though I admit I loved Debbie Gibson between the ages of 11 and 13, I still knew deep down inside that she was a cheeseball. I just couldn't help myself, I was taken in by her wholesome charm and her chirpy voice. Anyway, this video is a must watch since it has an intro by Debbie. It has Mary Lou Retton in it. The video itself is so bad--I love how the song implores adults to take kids seriously. I think I used to really feel this song.

I love when she has the extensions. Sick.

Let's reflect on the terrible lyrics.

Verse 1:
Zappin it to ya
The pressures everywhere
Goin right through ya
The fevers in the air
Oh yeah, its there!
Dont underestimate the power
Of a lifetime ahead

Chorus:
Electric youth
Feel the power, you see the energy
Comin up
Coming on strong
The future only belongs
To the future itself/in the hands of itself
And the future is
Electric youth
Its true you cant fight it
Live by it
The next generation...

Its electric

Verse 2:
Weve got the most time
To make the world go round
Oh, can you spare a dime?
Place your bet on our sound
Come back to town
Dont lose sight of potential mastermind
Remember when you were young

Chorus

Its electric

Bridge:
We do what comes naturally (naturally!)
You see now
Wait for the possibility
Dont you see a strong resemblance
To yourself? (oh...)
Dont you think what we say is important?
Whatever it may be...
The fun is gonna start with me
cause Im bringing it back...

Chorus

Its electrifying

Take it fred!

Chorus

Its electric, its electric, its electric

Chorus

Inflation
Flirtation
Relaxation
Elation
Generation of
An electric youth!

Is Skymall Run by the KKK?!?!?!

2007-06-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS?????

Skinniest Celebs of the Summer: In Case You Were Wondering

2007-06-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, I'm watching The Insider right now, and they're counting down "The Skinniest Celebrities of the Summer. NO LIE. Here's the list:

5.Hilary Duff: Hilary tells us that even though she 's go 6-pack abs, she still feels self-conscious about her arms.

4. Jessica Simpson: She lost 20 pounds in 2 months! Oh, I'm so envious.

3. Janet Jackson

2. Valerie Bertineli: You know they were like, yeah, we HAVE to name someone "real" that women can really relate to. Really.

So beautiful.

1. Katie Holmes

Can you believe a group of people actually sat down and came up with this list? SO GROSS!!!

Charming Garden Decor from Skymall

2007-06-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. I beg the question once again, who buys this shit?

Meet Basho the Sumo Wrestler:

Check out these little rascals:

Where my frogs at?

This is called If Pigs Could Fly. Wacka, wacka, wacka:

Why not a statue of St. Francis?:

Aww, white children are so adorable:

Another Croc of Shit from George Bush

2007-06-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

I saw this a couple of weeks ago on Manolo's Shoe Blog. Look at our dumb "president" and his dumb shoes. I think he's just trying to push buttons with those stupid ass Crocs. Jesus Christ, our president wears CROCS!

Is there any end to our suffering at the hands of this man?

Who Buys Shit from Skymall?

2007-06-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, so who eats hot dogs frequently enough to require a special appliance with which to cook them? That's so gross. I hate both of these, but not equally. I especially disdain the first one. If you have to pretend that you're going to the county fair every time you eat a wiener, you're just bored with hotdogs. Try a burrito or a salad. And what's up with the hot dog toaster? I mean how do you even clean that thing? I say, if you must enjoy hot dogs at home, barbecue them or hold them over the open flame of your stove.

Calling All Fashionistas

2007-06-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, do you love these? Or do you LOVE these? Fringe and gold-plated birds on the same shoe? Are you kidding me? Have I died and gone heaven? It's like a burlesque show in a shoe. I love the fact that whoever designed these decided that those details weren't enough. Nope, a bow was totally necessary. Totally.

Personally, I would wear them with a beige dress with matching brown fringe and a bird broach. I would have it made specially. I would want it to be a one-shoulder dress. It's called couture. Deal with it.

Another Teen Star I Don't Get

2007-06-12T20:11:00.000-07:00

Um yeah, not sexy to 11-year-old eyes and still nothing stirring at 29. Even though he is wearing a rad outfit and a crazy cool yellow belt. I was big into Bop and all those teeny bopper mags, and I never once understood the allure of this cheese dick. I liked Growing Pains--hey, I am only flesh and blood--but the curly top does nothing for me.

And, now, to top it off he's a Christian. What does Candice Cameron think of all this?

The Luau Queen in Nude Nylons

2007-06-11T20:40:00.000-07:00

This photo is a PRIME example of something I hate so much I love.

Is this Christina Aguilera or a male impersonator? What is her fucking problem? Doesn't she look like that slutty friend you had in junior high who wants to dress slutty, but doesn't have the clothes to do it? The one who throws on her bathing suit with her mom's nude stockings and her grandma's heels. And who pairs a floral wreath with a wrap around sweater? Talk about no sense of season.

America, We Have our New "Black Velvet"

2007-06-11T19:38:00.001-07:00

I don't know about you, but I have a special fondness for Alannah Myles, the Canadian songstress who brought us the sultry hit "Black Velvet" in 1989. I can't believe that song was a hit, but I'm glad it was because I enjoy singing it at the top of my lungs when it comes on the local soft hits station.

And sometimes, you get real lucky, and someone sings "Black Velvet" at karaoke, on American Idol, or perhaps a high school talent show. I was lucky enough to experience the latter. It was sung by this girl a grade above me who had dreams of being an actress/singer an appeal similar to that of Jennifer Love Hewitt. I know, gross. Anyway, she sang it with sass and conviction, but I grew up in California, where everyone under 45 thought that song sucked, so it wasn't a well- received performance.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is to say that I think we have our new "Black Velvet," and it's by none other than Carrie Underwood, who had that wonderful and thought-provoking faith-based hit "Jesus Take the Wheel" (because when you're car goes out of control and you got your baby in the back, Jesus will save you--he's great like that). Her new song "Before He Cheats"is a departure from that goodie goodie song since it's all about keying her no good,cheating boyfriend's "pretty little suped up little Chevy four-wheeled drive...."

Isn't that wonderful? Doesn't it have that same raw and gritty South ring that "Up in Memphis the music's like a heatwave, white lightening bound to drive you wild." God, they're both so amazing.

Let's just hope that Carrie Underwood's career is just as fruitful as that of Alannah Miles.

Anyway, here's a treat. Both videos ready for you're viewing pleasure:

Gotta Keep on Movin'

2007-05-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

I never loved Menudo,and now I regret it. What was I thinking? Look at them in their striped tanks and headbands. And the bedroom eyes--ay dios mio!

We have this Puerto Rican boy band to thank for the best Silver Spoons episode ever. Remember how Ricky was in love with that girl Consuelo, so he got Menudo to play his party in order to impress her? I love that episode. I remember the dance move that included them moving their arms in a circular chug-chug motion while singing:

Gotta get on movin’
Gotta get on movin’ with the music
Gotta get on movin’
Gotta get on movin’ with the crowd
Gotta get on movin’
Gotta get on movin’ hurry!
Dance your cares away
Come on and get movin’ now!

I had to look these lyrics up, and I remember them so differently. I thought it was "Gotta Keep on Movin'," but I was wrong. I like these lyrics though, and I think I'm going to sing this every time I feel lazy and unmotivated. I suggest you do the same.

Harvey Pekar, I Love You

2007-05-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say that I was well aware of Harvey Pekar before Giamatti played him in American Splendor, but I wasn't. If I were, I would be spouting about how everyone else is so uncool compared to me. That's my usual pattern. But since I didn't, I'll just say I love Harvey now. Very Much.

I like to daydream that I live next door to him, and we hang out all the time. Not romantically, of course. Not that I wouldn't if both of us weren't already attached--I like his bad boy neurosis. He's kind of like Steve Buscemi in Ghost World, but way cuter (yeah, I'm not one of those people who find Steve Buscemi hot).

Anyway, I picture us hanging out, talking about nerdy literature topics. He could teach me about Jazz, and I could make constant reference to his comics. I love it.

What "Madame" Means to Me

2007-05-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

I know when some people think "madame," they think of something like this:

But, personally, I think:

Punky Brewster all Grown Up

2007-05-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

Okay,so you know how once in a while on Punky Brewster she would get dressed up? Well, that's what Amanda Peet looks like in this outfit, and the side pony tail (is that a scrunchy I spy?)doesn't help. Who made this for her? Mrs. Johnson? Or maybe that guy behind her? He looks like my cousin in the 80s, the one who loved going dancing at Knotts Berry Farm.

Teen Starts I Don't Get Series, Entry #1: Scott Baio

2007-05-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

Honestly. Who thinks this guy is cute? My aunt used to be really into him and even when I was 6 years old, a time when I thought any baby-faced boy was cute, I would look at her Baio pinups and think, "ehh."

I want to know more about his personal life as a child actor, though. I picture his mom to be a tell-it-like-it-is straight shooter that everyone refers to as a "tough cookie" in public and a "crazy bitch" behind closed doors. I like to imagine her looking like Cha-Cha from Grease. Doesn't he seem like he'd have a crazy stage mother, who makes incredible demands in his Chachi contacts. She'd make them agree to always stock Tab and pretzels for her on set.

But back to him not being cute--he just isn't. His hair is so fluffy in the bang area and he's had bags under his eyes since he was 10. God, how old do you think this guy was when he lost his virginity? I bet he was 12. You can just tell--even in that little kid picture of him above, he's got that glimmer known mostly to rock stars and jocks.And look at him below. Yuck, even in that crazy outfit,he knows he can get laid by a Playmate.

Read funny Scott Baio stories here

70s Babe-O-Rama: Stud or Dud?

2007-05-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

Who do you think is a stud or dud in this 70s Babe-O-Rama list? Here are my answers:

source

In my opinion Leif (he pronounces if Laif) was never that hot--he kind of looks like a trashy girl, who needs a VO5 hot oil treatment pronto. I once saw him walking in front of the Viper Room, of course.

source

Shaun Cassidy is okay. I mean I'm not taken with his baby browns and sweet smile, but I guess I get it. He's certainly cuter than his yuck half-brother, David Cassidy. Oh, and I am partial to his hit "Hey, Deenie," which was featured on this rad cd I got when I bought a 16 Magazine book, called Who's Your Fave Rave."

source

Okay, I'll admit that I kind of think Travolta is hot in his Barbarino days, dimpled chin or no dimpled chin.

source

I love Bobby Sherman, whom I find very manly, sexy and seemingly sensitive. Like you know he'd take you to a nice place and wouldn't get too slutty on the first date.

source

My oh my, while I can't say the same for his current state, Matt Dillon in 1979 is a special, special thing, and his bad boy sex appeal was still cutting it well into the 1980s. Who can forget those glossed up lips in the classic Little Darlings or Tex for that matter? I contend that he was cute until Drugstore Cowboy after which he lost me.

If you'd like, tell me your feelings on these 70s heart throbs. BTW, anyone can leave a comment, you don't have to register or anything.

Favorite TV Villains Series: The Gooch

2007-05-02T18:51:00.000-07:00

I was going to kick off my fave tv villains series with an ode to Diff'rent Strokes' "The Gooch," but when I googled the term, this guy popped up. It's sort of ironic because he seems so un-gooch. He's Professor Carl F. Ollivier-Gooch though, which does make him a Gooch if not "the gooch." He's actually an associate professor in the school of Mechanical Engineering at the Univ. of British Columbia and the author of couple of books on algorithms and "unstructured mesh" (whatever that is; I'm so liberal arts it's not even funny). Good for him. See, there are some interesting people out there just waiting to be discovered.

I HEART GORDON GARTRELL

2007-05-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

If you make a Gordon Gartrell reference or even just get one, you are automatically cool. Believe me. Because only a total loser would not remember one of the best Cosby Show episodes ever, second for me only to a later episode where Vanessa Huxtable goes to see The Wretched without permission. I love that episode because Claire gets pissed and wears that unruly teen out. I love when Claire schools her kids!

But I digress. Yes, that Gordon Gartrell episode is so good. I remember crying laughing when I saw him wearing that shirt. It's still hilarious.

Read an ode to Theo article at Popcandy.

Calvin is a Political Dude

2007-04-30T19:18:00.001-07:00

You're gonna love Jeans Bikini-Pants

2007-04-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

I want to thank My Fashion Life for making me aware of this new jeans bikini-pants trend that has overtaken two nations already--Japan and Brazil. This is no joke, and you have to pledge to work with me to make sure this trend doesn't happen here. It's sick enough that Brazilian and Japanese women are wearing these things in earnest, but that doesn't even compare to the devastation it will cause in this country. Americans always go overboard. Always. We take a trend, and we use it and abuse it. They'll be everywhere. Not to mention, you know that some ridiculous parents will allow their daughters to wear these jeans and then get pissed that their kid gets expelled.

Ugh, I can see it now. They'll be some supreme court case about student's rights to wear jeans bikini-pants. I hate it.

Stickers to put next to your Raider Nation decal

2007-04-28T00:45:00.000-07:00

Who knew Calvin was such a hard ass?

PROTEST IS AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE.

I HEARD THAT!

THAT'LL SHOW THAT LADY SENATOR!!!

PEE HARD, PRAY HARD

YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN! Hey, that's not Calvin

Another reason why I don't fit in in America

2007-04-27T23:42:00.000-07:00

This pic was given to me by the writer of icantfuckingstandit, who has had to endure numerous tirades about my hatred of zack braff and everything he touches. I don't understand why this pseudo-intellectual, wannabe-emo boy has been allowed to become famous. Garden State makes me want to puke. Ugh, it absolutely ruined The Shins for me. Even Natalie Portman sucked in that movie...I wonder who the director was?!?!

It was such an earnest attempt to make an "Indie" movie--like you just know he was at home sitting on his couch, watching something from the Criterion Collection, and thinking "Gee, I really love indie films, they're really cool and like 'deep', I wanna do something just like that." Then he started typing until he finished his blah love story that stole America's collective heart. The recipe for success? A heavy dose of cliché, a dash of shallow sentiment, a sprinkle of "irony," and some post adolescent neurosis to taste.

In 1984, I would have killed for this shit

2007-04-26T18:55:00.000-07:00

Holy shit! Have you seen a Delia's catalog lately? I swear the people who design some of that stuff had to be 6 years old in 1984. I wouldn't wear any of these now, but just look at them--when I was between the ages of, say, 6 and 9(you know, the Punky Brewster years), I would have sold a kidney for these clothes.

I love these things. They're so freaking authentic, so Soleil Moon Fry.

Just because

2007-04-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

Read up on Allison Balson, tv's Nellie Olsen, at:

http://www.hgd.com/alison/cast_update.htm

Avril Lavigne is my nemesis, part 2

2007-04-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

I apologize, but this is gonna be a long one. I often say, "don't get me started on Avril Lavigne," yet here I am, getting started.

I remember the first time I saw her. It was in the video for that "Complicated" song. I was repelled by the sight of her. All I could think was "Hot Topic"--it was the first time I realized that punk had become totally trendy.

And now, the punkette of pop is still pulling the same old shit. This video makes me want to shake her! But, she's so the type who would just laugh an obnoxious, maniacal laugh in your face if you tried to talk some sense into her. And then high five one of her "homies." Sick.

Anyway,this video is a freaking nightmare. Why is she beating up on her preppy
doppelganger? I think it's cool that the nerdy girl finally got the guy--why does the mean girl, who wears tube socks with high heels, have to be so mean to her?

But, yeah, I digress. Watch this video and hate ever second of it. For me. Watch her hand gestures and facial expressions.

Oh, and why did she have to film this video at the same place where The Karate Kid was filmed (remember, "Oh yeah, bathin' suits")? But I guess it's pretty hilarious that Avril had to spend a whole day at the Golf n Stuff in Downey.

I think my husband put it succinctly when he begged the question, "I wonder what Kim Gordon thinks when watches this." Indeed.

NOT a Lisa Frank Lover

2007-04-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

I was never into Lisa Frank when I was a kid. I found her stuff messy and overwhelming. I still feel that way, but now it's obvious that she's really into surrealism....Wait, is she even a person or is Lisa Frank just some corporately concocted persona?

Which Brian Austin Green do you prefer?

2007-04-24T20:57:00.001-07:00

OR

Jesus! I can barely tell these two apart--BAG can play Federline in the movie of his life. Or vice versa.

Uncelebrated Sitcom Kid #2--Cherie Johnson

2007-04-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

There's nothing I love more than when they write an actors real name into the script. You know, like how Tony Danza is always call "Tony." I always think that's so weird--talk about identity problems. Anyway, I love Cherie (yes, that is the correct spelling, I looked it up), and I think she deserve more hurrah.

I know it's cliche, but I just have to say it: didn't the "Cherie get's stuck in the fridge" episode leave you breathless? "1, 1000, 2, 1000, 3, 1000, Breathe!" Punky and Margot's panicked voices will forever chorus in my head. And I will never discard my refrigerator without first removing the door--I have only one girl to thank for that.

So, I applaud you Cherie Johnson. Punky was cool, but she also so self-absorbed--it must have been tough to stand by her side. You were indeed the wind beneath her wings.

Uncelebrated Sitcom Kid #1--Dudley

2007-04-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

God bless Dudley. Why isn't he more celebrated? Why is it always about Arnold and his pithy retorts? Dudley's the one who was almost molested by that creepy old white guy who seduced the boys with animated mouse porn. He deserves a little love (Dudley not the creep).

I only regret that I could only find pics of Poor Dudley, which he unfortunately shares with his sassy, bratty friend.

Twiggy and Twiggy

2007-04-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

OR

They're both Twiggy, which one do you prefer?

I know, it's tough.

I put a spell on you.

2007-04-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

Just because I speak in a Valley Girl vernacular, doesn't mean I'm not smart. Yeah, I know that double negative made that sentence seem ironic--whatev. Anyway, I like good movies. I like bad movies, too, but I love a good freaking movie. I love Stranger than Paradise. I saw it when I was 16 and felt like someone understood me. Shut up, I did.

So, yeah see it if you haven't, if you have reflect on how good it was.

I don't know much, but I know I love Mo'Nique

2007-04-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

WE SHOULD ALL LOVE OURSELVES THIS MUCH! Mo'Nique is a role model for all.

McSick-Ass

2007-04-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

Are you kidding me? Do you really want to put this inside you? This is a 1/3 pound of meat from McDonald's. Apparently, they've been a big hit here, in California, where they're testing them out. And I don't get it.

I know those of you who are fans of McDonald's will take offense to my disgust, and I get it. Your thinking "oh, shit who called the food police? You're ruining America with your food fascism." I used to feel the same way. I'd gobble up Super Value Meal #2 like it was love. I used to eat it like it was real food.

Then a little book called Fastfood Nation came into my life. Read that shit--it will change your freaking life.

The Face of Hot Topic

2007-04-21T00:55:00.000-07:00

The

Oh my god, I didn't think it was possible for me to hate a Canadian, but look at her. I hate her new songs, I hate her old songs. I hate her lame-o post punk/Nightmare Before Christmas-inspired look.

Oh yeah, and what's with those girls behind her? They're like so happy to be backing that little twirp. Who does she think she is, Sid Vicious?

Who made her boss?

Fuzzy Babies 2

2007-04-21T00:48:00.000-07:00

A new coworker recently instant messaged me this image. Now, I had to agree with her about the comfort level of these. Indeed, they would be a dream to slip a tired or cold foot into, but I think they would get dirty really fast. Plus, I'm not sure if I'm confident enough to go public with them.

I HEART POOCHI, but BRATZ gross me out

2007-04-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

I freaking love Poochie. Jesus, that is one hip dog. Look at those aviator glasses. Who does she think she is? Shoot. And check out those hot bangs--so chic! What I love is that cute little face of hers--round faces are NOT proportionally represented among beauty icons. But Poochie just tosses her left ponytail and brushes off all that nonsense.

God, why can't kids like precious things like precious little poochie instead of these skanks:

GOD! Poochie looks like such a virgin next to them.

That crazy Mrs. Olson

2007-04-20T19:01:00.001-07:00

Thanks to the Hallmark Channel, I'm on a serious LHOP vibe. I can't get enough of it. And I'm just going come out and say I like the later year episodes. I may even go so far as to say I prefer them. They're funny, touching and interesting. I like them for a lot of reasons:

a. almanzo wilder is hot
b. albert is an endearing little orphan
c. the olsens are more prominent characters
d. i love Nancy
e. Nelly turns into a cool character.
f. Percival adds some much needed diversity

Fear does not exist in the dojo, does it!?!?

2007-04-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

YOU'RE THE BEST AROUND! NOTHING IS GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN.

Why doesn't someone make an inspirational poster like that?

Dur, dur d'être bébé

2007-04-19T23:34:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh, I love Jordy! I love him mostly because my old boss, who is french by the way, HATED this talented little tyke with a passion. I guess it was because he was trying to get his own band signed at the time when Jordy was blowing up the French airwaves. You know what they say, Dur, dur d'être bébé

Wicked Wisdom, Indeed

2007-04-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

Are you aware that Jada Pinkett Smith has a band called Wicked Wisdom? Yeah, they're this thrashy, metal band and Jada sings. Proof:

Her vibe is very I-just-heard-Bikini-Kill-last-week. It's so bad; I love it. What is she thinking? Does Will approve of this? And what about poor, little Jaden? You KNOW Wicked Wisdom plays at all their backyard parties. I bet crazy Jada insists on performing at Jaden's birthday parties, while the poor kid and his poor father look on with faux loving support. My god, are we gonna keep letting rich and famous act like this?

If you need some encouragement to help me fight this, just take a gander at this: http://www.wickedwisdom.net/. You will be convinced. Yeah, we'll be talking soon.

Everybody Can Succeed, All You Need Is to Believe.

2007-04-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

THIS IS WHAT DEGRASSI MEANS TO ME.

I love The Kid, but I hate Fergie

2007-04-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

So, originally, this was going to be about how i hate Fergie so much that I don't even love her. I was going to post some horrendous pics such as this:

or perhaps,

Both are sick for their own reasons. But as I was looking for these pics, I caught site of this:

and suddenly I realized that The Kid should be the subject of this post. The Kid was rad, there's just no getting around it. And even though people say that the kid from Ugly Betty is the first gay child character on tv, I beg to differ. I'm not going to say The Kid was the first gay kid character on tv, but I will say he's a pioneer. And he had talent to boot. I love him and I wonder what he's doing this very moment. I hope he's happy--he deserves it.

Reason #998 Why I Don't Fit in in America

2007-04-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

I've lived in this country since inception (yuck, that sound's so pro-life), and I just don't fit in. I just don't get 90% of what are Americans are into. Like, Spuds McKenzie, for instance. What the freak was this country thinking? What's with those women, what kind of idiot would pose for this? I feel so sorry for that poor dog having to pose for these dumb pictures--how many dogs do you think were given beer by some agro guys as a result of this campaign. And Bud Light sucks anyway.

Electric Youth

2007-04-17T23:01:00.000-07:00

WHERE HAS ALL THE WHOLESOME GONE?

Donnie Wahlberg= Cool White Guy

2007-04-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

Goddamn, life use to be so much easier.

This is NOT Enid

2007-04-17T22:42:00.000-07:00

I don't think this thing does Enid justice. It looks like some dumb hold-out from the brit pop explosion of 1991, who can't stop wearing Doc Martin Mary Janes and listening to Ned's Atomic Dustbin. Yuck. Enid would think that doll sucks.

Fuzzy Babies

2007-04-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

I hate this. I love it.

Not Just Bible Man

2007-04-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, if you ever get a chance to see this Branson, Missouri video, don't think twice. BUY IT. PAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO PAY. You'll thank me--you might even name me in your will. It stars none other than the Bible Man, himself, Willy Aames, whose list of credits include Eight is Enough, Zapped, Zapped Again, Charles in Charge, and Christian Propoganda series, Bible Man (you know the one that's suppose to make up for all that coke he snorted and all those prostitutes he porked. allegedly.) Proof:

Anyway, he's in this video, which is a Branson Chamber of Commerce promotional video. God, I have a copy. I should put it on youtube. But then I'll get all bitter if it gets popular and they put it on vh1 or something. I would hate that.

OH! But this video also has Yakof Shmirnoff (sp?) who jumps out of a big "Handle with Care" box at his Branson show. Why is that funny? It also has boxcar willie and other "celebrities." Oh, and you get to see Willie on a roller coaster. It's delicious.

2007-04-17T20:19:00.000-07:00

Oh, yeah, and I found this stupid Almanzo doll. Who buys this junk. Not Jen Sleggs, I hope.

Almanzo Wilder

2007-04-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

Sadly, there is a serious drought of Almanzo pics on the web. This is the best one i could find. I love that you can see the upper part of his signature--I like to picture him in his Almanzo costume signing stacks of black and white glossies for little girls who had the hots for him. I'd been meaning to look this On-the-Prairie hunk of "Manly" since I started DVRing 4 episodes a day of Little House on the Prairie and had a resurgence of my childhood lust. When I googled Almanzo Wilder, I was startled to see one recent picture of him on (you're not gonna believe this) an actual website dedicated to Dean Butler, his real name. Proof:

Here, I thought I was his one and only fan, yet here it is in living color. Apparently, this Jen Slegg person is a big fan. I guess he wrote a book or something. whatever.